Part 1: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
Principle 1
People have an image of themselves and they do not like to have that image critiqued. If you do critique someone’s image it often does not result in change on the other person part. It will result in resentment and hostility against you. Many times people’s pride will be hurt and the point will be lost. If you want a person to change something about himself, try and reinforce the good things instead of pointing out the bad.
“Let’s realize that the person we are going to correct and condemn will probably justify himself or herself, and condemn us in return.” Pg.8
Do not criticize, condemn or complain.
Principle 2
Appreciation is better than flattery. Appreciation is honest and encourages people to work harder and complete their job better. Flattery is fake. It is not genuine and if a person is caught giving empty flattery this, most often than not, will do more damage than good.
Give honest and sincere appreciation.
Principle 3
There is one known fact about people. They are eternally interested in themselves, and every action tat they complete they do because they want to. Use this knowledge to your advantage when you go to ask someone for something. First person the ideas of how it will affect them. Then get your want/need across. You will have a better chance of getting what you want and making it mutually beneficial without the other person “shutting down” before your point is made.
Arouse the other person an eager want.
Part 2: Six Ways to Make People Like You
Principle 1
People are very interested in themselves. Knowing and understanding this can help you when you have to deal with other people. Having a genuine interest in people allows you to converse with others and allow them to express themselves to you. When a person is able to talk about themselves with someone, and it seems that the person has taken an interest in them, they will develop a liking toward you. This is not a game though. This is not an exercise where you pretend, and as someone else “rambles.” By taking a genuine interest in people you will gain knowledge about a person as you learn about their past and present, likes and dislikes.
“It is the individual who is not interest in has fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.” Pg.53
Become genuinely interested in other people.
Principle 2
A smile is one of the best ways to make a great first impression. Just by smiling you make the other person feel that they are glad to be in your presence. They allow for people to become individualized and feel special if you smile.
The Value of A Smile at Christmas
It costs nothing but creates much.
It enriches those who receive, without impoverishing those who give.
It happens in a flash and the memory of it sometimes lasts forever.
None are so rich they can get along without it, and none so poor but are richer for its benefits.
It creates happiness in the home, fosters good will in a business, and it the countersign of friends.
It is rest to the weary, daylight to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad, and Nature’s best antidote for trouble.
Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something that is no earthly good to anybody till it is given away.
And if in the last-minute rush of Christmas buying some of our salespeople should be too tired to give you a smile, may we ask you to leave one of yours?
For nobody needs a smile so much as those who have none left to give!
Pg.70
Smile
Principle 3
Remembering a person’s name makes them feel special and important. People take certain offense to people who do not remember their name or ask their name twice. To a single person there is no important word than their own name. Remembering their name and using it allows for people to build a connection and likeness toward you.
Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
Principle 4
This works closely with principal one in this section. By having a genuine interest in people, this principle is a lot easier to execute. Simple listen to people, and encourage people to talk about themselves. When people talk about themselves you learn about them. This helps you ask the right kind of questions and allow for a lively conversation. Using this principle allows for you to become a good conversationalist. Information that they are telling you in you can follow up with questions or statements that are guaranteed to be of an interest to them. This also paves the way for future conversations. Take the information that you know about another person and expand upon it. Research and find more information about what interests them. This will definitely allow for you to utilize this conversation piece later.
“Remember the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in your problems. A person’s toothache means more to that person than a famine in China which kills a million people. A boil on ones neck interests one more than forty earthquakes in Africa. Think of that the next time you start a conversation.” Pg. 88
Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
Principle 5
When you are dealing with other people, get to know what interests them as soon as you can (even if this can be done before you meet them). By finding out what interests them, and then taking an interest in it yourself. You will be able to captivate their attention and have great conversation. This kind of conversation also allows people to take a likening to you and your way of thinking. By taking in terms of what interests someone else you will be more likely be able to drive a point home and get them to understand and think like yourself.
Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
Principle 6
Everyone wants to feel important. By feeding into this they will genuinely begin to like you. Make genuine remarks about things they have accomplished or things they have owned and are proud of. By giving importance to them, you make them feel as if they are special, and important. People want to surround themselves with others that think they have value.
Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.
Part 3: How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
Principle 1
Do not argue. This is a point that is also brought up in the 48 Laws of Power. Do not argue with someone. When you attempt to argue a point, or when you contradict someone, most of the time you will not get them to change their mind, you will only stir up anger, hostility, angst, and create an uncomfortable environment. You will not get anyone to change their mind; actually most of the time people will only become more set in stone with their opinions that have already formed.
Some suggestions on how to keep a disagreement from becoming an argument:
Welcome the disagreement.
Think about the point that is being brought to the present. If you have not heard it before, consider it. Stop and think. This may be your chance to change your opinion or form one that includes this thought.
Distrust your first instinctive impression.
Often times we want to initially be defensive. Think if this reaction is the best way to handle the situation.
Control your temper.
Listen first. Listen to everything that your opponent would like to say. Do not interrupt or debate.
Look for areas of agreement.
Be honest. Apologize for your mistakes, errors, or misunderstandings.
Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas and study them carefully. And actually do this.
Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest.
Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem. Suggest a new meeting time. This will give you and the other opponent some time to think about the situation in its entirety before you react.
“Here lies the body of William Jay,
Who died maintaining his right of way-
He was right, dead right, as he sped along,
But he’s just as dead as if he were wrong.” Pg 112
The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
Principle 2
Do not tell people that they are wrong; even if they are. They will defend themselves to the end, even if they know they are wrong.
“you can tell people they are wrong by a look or an intonation or a gesture just as eloquently as you can in words- and if you tell them they are wrong, do you make them want to agree with you? Never! For you have struck a direct blow at their intelligence, judgment, pride and self respect. That will make then want to strike back. But it will never make them want to change their minds…. For you have hurt their feelings.” Pp116
Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”
Principle 3
By admitting that you are wrong you allow for others to see that you are taking into consideration all of the points at hand and that you are not unmovable. It is a very wise thing to be able to change your point of view and admit it (factors of principles 1 and 2).
Also, by admitting that you are wrong you then hold the cards. If you make as mistake and admit to it quickly then you avoid potential embarrassment of later being confronted. Also, more importantly when you admit that you are wrong and begin to show that you are taking what you did wrong to hear, people are less likely to lay into you. They will look at your side more sympathetically and be less likely to badger you on something that you are already beating yourself up for. Really not too many people are willing to kick a person when they are down. Lastly, a person that can admit that they are wrong shows a lot of integrity. This is more often noticed than not.
If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
Principle 4
When confronting people that have opposing opinions as yours, be sure to confront them in a friendly manner. If you go for a hostile offensive attack, they are going to go for a hostile defensive attack. If you are coming from a friendly listening ear, they are going to speak with ease as if they are taking to a friend. More is accomplished as friends than as enemies.
This is best illustrated in the story of the wind and the sun:
They quarreled about which one was stronger, and the wind said, “I’ll prove I am. See the old man down there with a coat? I bet I can get his coat off home quicker than you can.”
So the sun went behind a cloud, and the wind blew until it was almost a tornado, but the harder it blew, the tighter the old man clutched his coat to him.
Finally, the wind calmed down and gave up, and then the sun came out from behind the clouds and smiled kindly on the old man. Presently he mopped his brow and pulled off his coat. The sun then told the wind that gentleness and friendless were always stronger than fury and force. Pp 142
Begin in a friendly way.
Principle 5
When you are talking to a person that may have a different opinion that you get them to say yes to small, simple questions that they are sure to agree with; from there continue to build your point with questions that they agree with. By getting a person to say yes they are more likely to agree with you and see your point. Once a person says no they are much more likely to defend their position and not move.
Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.
Principle 6
Let the other person talk. When they talk many times they are able to work out the problems themselves, or you will learn more intricate points of their case that can help you help them. Nothing comes from interrupting and assumptions. Not only will you not have all of the facts, but the other person will not be inclined to listen to you. Not from revenge, but because they are only thinking about the points that they never got to finish saying.
Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
Principle 7
This is a trickier principle. This principle relies on the idea that people need to feel like an idea is there’s and that they are not being forced into something. This can be accomplished in many ways. Have someone go in from a third party to insinuate to you opponent that there are different ways of thinking. Ask for the qualities that they are looking for first, and then tailor your idea to fit there’s. Thinking like another person does, and trying understand what other people want is a key complement to this principle. When you understand what they want it is easier to tell them that in actually they already came up with the idea; and you are just there to accent it.
“No one likes to feel that he or she is being sold something or told to do a thing. We much prefer to feel that we are buying of our own accord or acting on our own ideas. We like to be consulted about our wishes, our wants, our thoughts.”pp156
Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
Principle 8
This is one of the most important principles used in this book and it is repeated from time and time again. Try and understand what other people want. If you put yourself in their position you have a better chance of accomplishing your own goals too. People might not always say what they want to try and understand why people do the things they do, and say the things they say. Try and understand how their ideas were formed. When you do this you will put yourself at a great advantage to accomplishing your own goals, and also helping others with their goals and wishes as well.
Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
Principle 9
This is about the one thing that all people want to understand about them. That if you were in the exact same situation, you would do the same thing that they are doing, and feel the same way they are feeling. Approaching a discussion, argument or confrontation with this in mind can help put both people at ease and help accomplish much more.
This is the “magic phrase” that everyone would like to hear:
‘I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.’
Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
Principle 10
There are two reasons that anyone does one thing: the one they say, and then the real reason. Often times that the one that they say is a nobler motive. When trying to get someone to do something that you would like, appeal to these nobler motives. An example given was a man that was trying to keep a tenant from moving out early. Instead of yelling, screaming and throwing the law at the tenant, he simple wrote him a note. In the note it stated that he knew he was going to say throughout the rest of his lease because he was an honest man and a “man of his word.” This appeals to the nobler side and gives the ternate a reason (a very good reason) to stay.
Appeal to nobler motives.
Principle 11
If you are having trouble getting attention add to your ideas by illustrating through action. When I was reading this chapter I immediately thought of the classic “Miracle on 34th Street” when they are debating the existence of Santa Clause. In the courtroom they bring in bags and bags of letters addressed to Santa. Much more of a dramatic effect and the idea had a bigger impact than just making the statement “well you know, there were over 10,000 letters addressed to Santa last year.”
Dramatize your ideas.
Principle 12
The book offers a last resort of creating a challenge to increase productivity. If other methods have failed by creating a friendly challenge between two people you will greatly increase productivity. Carnegie states that studies have shown that the number one motivational thing in the work force is the work itself. Not the pension plan or other benefits; it is the work. Creating competition creates additional intrigue in the work and helps productivity.
Part 4: Be a Leader: How to Change People without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment
Principle 1
When you need to criticize someone first start with a complement. Bu appealing to their good attributes first you make it so they want to want to listen, and they are willing to fix what you do not like. Also avoid ‘but.’ Do not begin a statement with a complement and then in the middle change it using the transition word ‘but.’ When they hear it they will negate everything they have heard in the first part of the sentence and take it as false. Simply change ‘but’ to ‘and’ and you will avoid this problem
For example:
NO: “We are really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term. But if you had worked harder on your algebra, the results would have been better.”
YES: “ We ‘re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term, and by continuing the same conscientious efforts ext term, your algebra grade can be up with the others”
Pp200
Principle 2
Do not directly call attention to people’s mistakes. Most of the time people already know. By indirectly calling attention to their mistakes you limit their resistance to break the rule again, and you make them want to follow the rules next time.
Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
Principle 3
Think back on your past mistakes and bring them to light when you go to correct somebody else’s on theirs. It makes you seem less pretentions, more humble, and it makes the person you are speaking to know that they are no different from anyone else. By bringing your errors to light you will naturally diminish any resentment that may arise from the correction, and they are also more likely to fix the mistake.
Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
Principle 4
Do not give a direct order. Make suggestions and ask questions. Let the person arrive at the conclusion himself and then together conclude that it is the best solution. When you do this it will reduce hostility that spurs from direct orders, and it also invokes creativity. With this approach people are more willing to work together and come up with several different ideas of how the problem can be best resolved.
Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
Principle 5
Le the other person save face.
Principle 6
Praise improvement. When you do this, you can see unlimited potential in a person.
Praise the slight improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
Principle 7
Give the other person a great reputation to live up to. When you do this you have set a high standard but also enforced to them that you know, without a doubt, that they can achieve it. With this kind of praise and belief in a person, they will easily be able to meet the standards that have been set for them.
Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
Principle 8
Do not emphasize the fault emphasize how close they are to their goal. When you emphasize the fault a person is more likely to give up on what they are doing entirely. If you encourage them and tell them that they are close to their goal, or their faults are not as bad as they think, they are much more likely to accomplish what they set out to do.
Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
Principle 9
Point out the good things in a task when asking someone to do something. You will not be able to win a person over every time but you can make the task less burdensome if you point out all of the good qualities for these completing these tasks, and what the benefits would be in completing them.
Make the other person happy about things you suggest.
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